I’ve always done things my own way. My dad would always caution me not to ‘recreate the wheel,’ but I couldn’t help myself. When you find it hard to subscribe to society’s default settings, when How-It-Is doesn’t work for you, you’ll likely find yourself recreating tons of wheels, whether you planned to or not- I certainly have.
It’s no surprise, given my tendency to throw ‘tradition’ out the window, that my identity has unfolded itself in ways that utterly subvert any assumptions about who I may be. Everyone (including me) assumed I was a girl. Turns out, I’m not! Turns out, I’m not a boy either! Everyone (including myself) assumed I’d be heterosexual. Turns out, I’m super not! Turns out, I have no preference in regards to gender or genitalia when it comes to romantic or sexual attractions! Who knew!?
While, yes, my non-binary transness and general queerness have been difficult for some to fully grasp, it seems that another facet of my identity is even more elusive and baffling for people: my practice of ethical non-monogamy, or as I’ve recently started calling it, relationship anarchy. There are a number of stigmas and misconceptions around forms of non-monogamy (most often called ‘polyamory’), given that the dominant tradition in Western culture (in the last several centuries, anyway) has been monogamy. This tradition traces back to when married women were, legally speaking, considered the ‘property’ of their husbands. The earliest version of what we know as the ‘free love movement’ took form as an anarcho-feminist opposition to the tradition of marriage (and therefore the ownership of women) in the late 19th century/early 20th century. One characterization of this era from a woman of note is in Victoria Woodhull’s 1971 speech on ‘free love:’
“Law cannot change what nature has already determined. Neither will love obey if law command. Law cannot compel two to love. It has nothing to do with either love or with its absence. Love is superior to all law, and so also is hate, indifference, disgust, and all other human sentiments which are evoked in the sexes. It legitimately and logically follows, if love have anything to do with marriage, that law has nothing to do with it. And on the contrary, if law have anything to do with marriage, that love has nothing to do with it. And there is no escaping the deduction.” When I initially came across Woodhull’s work and the work of other free love advocates of her time, the thing that resonated with me the most was this sense that they were unafraid to resist any sort of imposition on their autonomy. They understood that they had a fundamental human right to love how they choose, who they chose, and how long they choose, regardless of what the law or the dominant culture suggested. I relate to their frustration with the limited options set before them, and once I started learning about the sort of alternatives to those options, I couldn’t look back.
I could provide you with general definitions of terms that people use to describe the alternatives to monogamy, but you can as easily Google any term I use that you’re unfamiliar with, and see for yourself the broad range of definitions available. ’Ethical non-monogamy’ and all the terms associated with it have as many definitions as there are people- just as ‘love’ has as many definitions as there are people. What I offer instead, is my own ‘relationship manifesto,’ a contract with myself, about how I want to love and want to be loved. I am not fool enough to tell you that you should model your own personal contract after the terms set in mine- my ‘manifesto’ is my own, and only my own. I only offer mine in hopes that you write your own, that is yours, and only yours.
My Relationship Manifesto BECAUSE I am ‘in a relationship’ with everyone I’m in relation to;
BECAUSE love is abundant;
BECAUSE I don’t like ‘ranking’ my relationships;
BECAUSE romantic/sexual relationships are not inherently more valuable than friendly/platonic ones and I don’t want to treat them as though they are;
BECAUSE no two relationships will ever be the same;
BECAUSE there’s no one way to do anything;
BECAUSE I resent being told to conform to standards that I didn’t set for myself;
BECAUSE I risk missing what’s in front of me by believing I already know what I’m looking for;
BECAUSE my love deserves to be as free to be fluid as I allow my identity to be;
BECAUSE I want my relationships to be flexible;
BECAUSE things will always change, and my relationships are allowed to change as often as needed in order to adapt;
BECAUSE I like customizing my commitments;
BECAUSE I want to work against all hierarchy;
BECAUSE labels like ‘boyfriend,’ ‘girlfriend,’ ‘partner,’ etc. come pre-packaged with other people’s expectations;
BECAUSE loving someone means loving their right to be their own person;
BECAUSE ‘couples’ must be made up of three distinct and whole entities in order to function- you, me, and you & me;
BECAUSE I’d rather trust and forgive;
BECAUSE jealously is not a more valid emotion than temptation or desire;
BECAUSE I want to hold myself accountable for having radically truthful communication with those I love;
BECAUSE the only true obligations are honesty and boundary-keeping;
BECAUSE I don’t care if the dominant culture views my relationship as ‘serious’ or ‘valid;’
BECAUSE I’m SO LOVED regardless of if I’m partnered;
BECAUSE first and foremost, is my relationship with myself;
BECAUSE my autonomy, and the autonomy of those I love, must be the most important to me in all relationships;
BECAUSE true ‘anarchy’ centers autonomous, voluntary cooperation; it commits to the destruction & eventual replacement of coercive forces & oppressive systems that strip us of our autonomy, and rob us of our natural right to the pursuits of love, liberation, and other beautiful, radiant things.
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My ‘manifesto’ is a working draft, always changing, always evolving, just as I do. It is my simplest way of expressing what I want, and also a way for me to figure out what exactly that is. The challenge of writing a ‘manifesto’ is challenging yourself to put into words all the things that usually remain unspoken. But these things shouldn’t stay unspoken. Exploring non-monogamous practices taught me the importance of being super specific about my needs, my desires, and my boundaries. The radical honesty required in non-monogamy challenged me to be more specific; to define those needs, desires, and boundaries more concretely, helping me develop the habit of constantly evaluating how specific I’m really being about those needs, desires, and boundaries; continuously challenging myself to clarify them further, for myself and for the people I love. I believe a ‘relationship manifesto’ is useful for everyone, including monogamous individuals. My manifesto happens to center around non-monogamy, but yours doesn’t have to! All it has to do is start to answer the following questions: How do you want to love? How do you want to be loved? What do you want in a relationship? How do you define love? What are your boundaries and how do you want the people to love you to approach them? What isn’t love to you? What don’t you want out of your relationships? What isn’t love?
You may not have final answers for all these questions, and that’s okay; I don’t either. As is usually the case, it is not the answer, but the asking of the question itself & the exploration of all the possible responses, that are most important. If we don’t ask ourselves about our own boundaries, for example, how are we to tell someone we’re in a relationship with what our boundaries are? I highly recommend writing a ‘relationship manifesto’ for yourself. Let it take whatever form feels right for you, it doesn’t have to look or sound like mine- in fact, it shouldn’t. We each have our own manifesto, our own way of loving, and as such, we each must discover for ourselves- without the imposition of others- what that manifesto is, and what that love could possibly be. At the end of the day, my journey with relationship anarchy has been one of recreating a lot of wheels; turns out, dad was wrong (sorry dad). If the wheel I was given can’t get me where I’m going, then fine, I’ll make something new that can. We all have the ability to do that when we need to. In true anarchist fashion, I implore you to recreate any and all wheels that don’t get you where you’re going. We all deserve to get where we want to go while maintaining a sense of autonomy, and while loving, and being loved, along the way.
“I want freedom, the right to self-expression, everybody's right to beautiful, radiant things.”
- Emma Goldman
Emma Sue Harris (they/them) is a queer actor/theatre-maker with a penchant for objecting the status quo through an anarchist lens. Emma is a Contributing Writer and Marketing Assistant for Story Girl Magazine. insta: @ohemmasue