For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Nikki, and I am a Slut. I proudly wear my title as a Slut because I like having sex, simple as that, and we be reclaiming that shit in 2020. If someone forced me to label myself, I would call myself a bisexual relationship anarchist, which means that I am polyamorous, but don’t like to set any sort of hierarchy to my partners. I am passionate about questioning social norms and practicing both empathy and unconditional love. Today, I shall bestow upon you some of my best relationship advice from my slutty data collection.
TIP #1 : Practice Radical Truth
What are we? Would they consider me texting my ex cheating? Is it cool to have sex without barrier methods? What about with other people? A simple way to get an answer to any unclear question is… to ask! Crazy, I know! How would they feel about a finger in the ass? Just ask! Would they be upset if I had sex with their coworker? Just ask! You get the gist.
Practicing radical truth in relationships (even non-romantic relationships) reduces the guesswork and allows you to solve issues and compromise. Talking through boundaries, expectations, and what makes you feel good are great ways to practice communicating effectively. This 100% carries over into the bedroom, and into other facets of life. Try to avoid even white lies, because you are setting yourself up for miscommunications, and no one wants those.
Speaking your truth is real vulnerability. And vulnerability is sexy. If you feel the need to lie to someone or hide something, ask yourself why that is. When you figure out why, talk to them about how you don’t feel comfortable with XYZ. If there is someone important to you that you’d like to build a lasting relationship with, or have earth-shaking sex with, I highly reccomend that you tell them how you’re honestly feeling. Building TRUST is a major key to having fire sex.
TIP #2: Masturbate.. A Lot
Take the time to get to know your own body. It needs to be the good stuff though, not just rubbing out a quickie. I made a rule for myself that anything I’d let someone else do to me, or that I would do to someone else, I should do to myself. So if you like anal, you should try having anal with yourself! If you like sex on the couch, go fuck yourself on the couch!
BREATHE. You don’t want to tighten up your body, you want to relaaax, imagine you’re in a yoga class, but while you’re fucking yourself. This is how women get those “full body orgasms” that we hear about. Once you understand better how to make yourself feel good, you’ll feel confident communicating to partners how to make you feel good.
Kim Anami (IG: @kimanami ) teaches you to “harvest your sexual energy to contribute to your overall growth and development.” She uses the formula Meditate + Masturbate + Create as a practice and I highly encourage you to stalk her IGTV. Your sexual energy is lifeforce energy (literally has the power to create life) and if you practice directing that energy by setting intentions during masturbation, you will literally RADIATE powerful energy all day.
It’s like manifesting, but you get to cum along the way. Meditating raises your vibration, and continuing your breath work while self-pleasuring will help you release your inhibitions and get your O. Kim instructs us to take this powerful sexual energy and funnel it into a creative endeavor, whether it be art, movement, or gardening.
You’ll find that once you are no longer dependent on other people for orgasms, you won’t seek sex with less-than-ideal partners. You don’t need them, and you never did, sis. Kim has coined the term “well fucked woman” and goddamnit, my only goal in life is to be a well fucked woman.
TIP #3: Don’t Take Sex too Seriously
Have fun! Seriously! I used to get so much SHIT when I was younger for giggling during sex, but sex is funny. Silly stuff happens and I am here for all of it. I have found, through my very scientific research, that if you are able to be yourself, let down your guard, and be vulnerable (are we seeing a theme here?) then you will have some good ass sex.
Releasing expectations removes some of the anxiety and pressure that we may experience leading up to / during sex. Just be yourself, check in with yourself, with your partner(s) and make sure everyone’s having fun. Sex is supposed to be FUN! It is about PLEASURE! It is about doing what makes you feel good, and laughing makes me feel good, so yeah, imma giggle while I’m riding that dick!
Sex does not have to BE anything specific. Sex was not meant to be put in a box. Sex is not penetration. Sex is steamy eye contact on the train. Sex is being held in someone’s arms. Sex is a foot massage after a long day at work. Intimacy knows no limits and is exactly what you need it to be. The more that you open yourself up to the abundance of sexual experiences, the more fulfilled your sex life will be. I challenge you to look outside the norms, throw away what society taught you sex is. Reclaim sex! Be slutty, or don’t, it’s your choice. Liberate yourself from the hellish grip of the patriarchy and find your own sexual bliss.
Nikki Abis (she/hers) is a Brooklyn-based floral designer, sex-positive feminist, and a contributing writer at Story Girl Magazine. (insta: baebis)